The Spectacle
01-23-2006, 11:40 AM
funny shit right here:
Until one day out of curiosity, (birdman) decided to give it a go. Oh, this wasn't the usual "try it spontaneously" position. No. This was a total spiritual path to utter enlightenment and Full-Fill-Meat that one has to follow.
It took a solid week.
Starting Day 7 - no corn at all. Absolute Avoidance.
Day 6 - Ass waxing. For his benefit and yours. Yours because it gets you used to the feeling of your asshold being torn ashunder in vicious bursts.
Day 5 to the last day - Endurance training.
75,000 repetitions of various ab exercises daily.
Kegel exercises to the point that you can crack walnuts with your taint.
2000 hours of hitting various "fuck me" positions in front of the mirror to determine which positions show you in an unflattering light and should be avoided at all costs. Anything that makes your ass look fat should be the first to go.
23 different anonymous profiles on various gay personal boards asking "would you hit it? for real?"
350 hours of reading through his email. Just because.
Day of Deed being Done - It's ShowTime. Call in sick at work. Much more prep work needs to be done. A clear coating of Liquid Skin bandaid first aid over the eyeballs will ensure there will be NO TEARS at all later. Cause no one likes a sissy.
Wash? You bet. More like scrub. 4x by noon alone. And putting that Old Spice back there? Big mistake. Your ass feels like it is on fire. Wait... isn't that point of doing this anyway? So you end up with a soreass you can't sit on for a few days? why do these men love anal so much?
You drive to his house. Early. Just to make sure he doesn't have a boyfriend. But this time you use a different car. Because you have been driving by here a dozen times at various hours in your own car for the last 5 days. Stalking bitch that you are.
Prior to doing the deed, you excuse yourself to use the restroom, just so you can "freshen up". For the 6th time since you arrived. 15 minutes ago.
Ok... we moving along. Time to do the deed.
So the book says just relax... relax and let your muscles go. Your partner will slowly begin to enter you very slowly a little at time. Very slo..
**STAB**
OH SWEET LORD IN HEAVEN!!! FUCKKKKKKK!!! Oh god it hurts. It hurts. Make it stop. Oh shit. Imma gonna killem yeah killthisbitch... oh sweet lord thy suffering I know.. oh jeezus.. wait a minute.... book, the book... that damn book said sexy talk makes them hurry and finish... Imma gonna try that.
Yeah you like that tight ass? Huh? That big cock really like that tight ass? Big cock. You have a HUYGGE cock. Yeah oh man, you up in my guts now.. god that monster cock..
"Hey, you ok?"
oh shit.. that was just his finger
Wait. He stopped. Whew. he took his finger out. He took it out. WAIT!! if he took out his finger that means he is getting ready to
ARRRRGHHHH!!!! OH YOU ****** SON OF A BITCH
*GASP*
Lord what did I get myself into? Or rather what did I get into me? Make it stop, oh god make it stop. oh stop... stop... please stop.... don't stop
WHO SAID THAT?
oh just let me die... yes, i just want to die. die a big bloody mess right here on this bed and ruin his sheets.
Damn, these sheets ain't even 300 count. Cheap ass sheets. Cheap ass queen. Feel like down window treatments. No, my ass (literally) got better places than this to die. Not here on these cheap ass sheets this cheap ass queen probably stole from Days Inn. Fuck that shit. Fuck him. Fuck him for fucking me. Oh fuck me fuck me.. god how do I get myself into this shit?
**15 mins later when it is all over **
"You love me?"
Until one day out of curiosity, (birdman) decided to give it a go. Oh, this wasn't the usual "try it spontaneously" position. No. This was a total spiritual path to utter enlightenment and Full-Fill-Meat that one has to follow.
It took a solid week.
Starting Day 7 - no corn at all. Absolute Avoidance.
Day 6 - Ass waxing. For his benefit and yours. Yours because it gets you used to the feeling of your asshold being torn ashunder in vicious bursts.
Day 5 to the last day - Endurance training.
75,000 repetitions of various ab exercises daily.
Kegel exercises to the point that you can crack walnuts with your taint.
2000 hours of hitting various "fuck me" positions in front of the mirror to determine which positions show you in an unflattering light and should be avoided at all costs. Anything that makes your ass look fat should be the first to go.
23 different anonymous profiles on various gay personal boards asking "would you hit it? for real?"
350 hours of reading through his email. Just because.
Day of Deed being Done - It's ShowTime. Call in sick at work. Much more prep work needs to be done. A clear coating of Liquid Skin bandaid first aid over the eyeballs will ensure there will be NO TEARS at all later. Cause no one likes a sissy.
Wash? You bet. More like scrub. 4x by noon alone. And putting that Old Spice back there? Big mistake. Your ass feels like it is on fire. Wait... isn't that point of doing this anyway? So you end up with a soreass you can't sit on for a few days? why do these men love anal so much?
You drive to his house. Early. Just to make sure he doesn't have a boyfriend. But this time you use a different car. Because you have been driving by here a dozen times at various hours in your own car for the last 5 days. Stalking bitch that you are.
Prior to doing the deed, you excuse yourself to use the restroom, just so you can "freshen up". For the 6th time since you arrived. 15 minutes ago.
Ok... we moving along. Time to do the deed.
So the book says just relax... relax and let your muscles go. Your partner will slowly begin to enter you very slowly a little at time. Very slo..
**STAB**
OH SWEET LORD IN HEAVEN!!! FUCKKKKKKK!!! Oh god it hurts. It hurts. Make it stop. Oh shit. Imma gonna killem yeah killthisbitch... oh sweet lord thy suffering I know.. oh jeezus.. wait a minute.... book, the book... that damn book said sexy talk makes them hurry and finish... Imma gonna try that.
Yeah you like that tight ass? Huh? That big cock really like that tight ass? Big cock. You have a HUYGGE cock. Yeah oh man, you up in my guts now.. god that monster cock..
"Hey, you ok?"
oh shit.. that was just his finger
Wait. He stopped. Whew. he took his finger out. He took it out. WAIT!! if he took out his finger that means he is getting ready to
ARRRRGHHHH!!!! OH YOU ****** SON OF A BITCH
*GASP*
Lord what did I get myself into? Or rather what did I get into me? Make it stop, oh god make it stop. oh stop... stop... please stop.... don't stop
WHO SAID THAT?
oh just let me die... yes, i just want to die. die a big bloody mess right here on this bed and ruin his sheets.
Damn, these sheets ain't even 300 count. Cheap ass sheets. Cheap ass queen. Feel like down window treatments. No, my ass (literally) got better places than this to die. Not here on these cheap ass sheets this cheap ass queen probably stole from Days Inn. Fuck that shit. Fuck him. Fuck him for fucking me. Oh fuck me fuck me.. god how do I get myself into this shit?
**15 mins later when it is all over **
"You love me?"