Queenie
06-04-2008, 12:39 PM
http://eatingbees.brokentoys.org/2008/03/18/eight-tips-to-save-your-marriage-to-a-gamer/
Hell, I could do better typing one handed than this stupidity. Hey, that’s an idea for a blog post! (Please note - I think… okay, I hope… the writer was trying to be funny. The intro to the piece gave the impression that he was trying to offer serious advice, and certainly that’s the way it was taken by a few people who should have known better.)
1. Don’t be a condescending hose beast. All hobbies are, at their most reductive level, an idiotic waste of time. Very few people have a hobby that will make money, cure cancer, house orphan tree rats, or anything besides pass the time in a pleasant manner for the hobbyist. Before you talk about “gaaaming” in a tone normally reserved for “licking tooooilets,” ask yourself if your hobby is feeding starving children.
2. Pick your battles, and be specific. Your problem isn’t really with gaming, or the game. Maybe you’re pissed at how much time each session takes. Maybe you walked into the room naked and slathered with maple syrup and your mate didn’t notice. Perhaps you want your own four hour block of time to waste as you see fit. Could be your partner thinks “child care” can be done while logged into the game and you disagree. That’s all fine. Articulate your real problem instead of launching a wide ranging diatribe.
3. Ask questions. The games that have the highest spouse aggro usually can’t be quit on a moment’s notice, no matter what brand of maple syrup you used. Before you try dressing up in condiments, ask your mate to explain a few rudiments of the game. How horrible would it be to care about the hobbies of someone you supposedly love? At least learn enough to appreciate little bon mots such as “spouse aggro.”
4. Consider the idea that the problem is you. If you’re the kind of nagging, overbearing, condescending offspring of a whore and a syphilitic donkey that drives a person into a virtual world for entire weeks just to get away from you, screaming will not help and threats of divorce will be welcomed. The kind of trogdolyte that dives into a game rather than admitting you’re hateful is not likely to admit it without extensive therapy, sadly, so this diagnosis is up to you and your therapist.
5. Don’t cut the power. Or anything else that childish. When the power goes out, I grab the one old fashioned wall phone I still own (for just this situation) and I call the power company. If you’re going to try and be clever, make sure your clever plan isn’t foiled by a single phone call. Or plugging the router back in.
6. Do not bring food to the computer. I’m serious. This is my best piece of advice. You cannot have the “honey, I need you to stay off the computer on the weekends” conversation unless you have eye contact with the target. Your mate has to eat, sleep, and use the bathroom. Mealtime is your best opportunity. If you bring your little addict a plate full of food cut up into small pieces so he can eat one handed, your pleas to log off sound like so much “wah wah wah.”
7. Don’t make threats, and don’t whine. If your mate doesn’t stay off the computer on Sunday, or whatever it is you two agreed to do over dinner, what will you do? Decide. And do it.
8. Do not dress up as an elf. Ever. This is just a personal bias of mine. Okay, everyone who has hung out with me in person knows this story, but for the rest of you: Years ago I developed the Pointy Eared Whore Theory. Over a lifetime attending cons and other events featuring people dressing up as characters from fantasy and science fiction, I noticed a disturbing trend. The ones with really good, high quality pointed ear prothestics (elves, Vulcans, doesn’t matter) are total whores. Seriously. Go into the handicapped stall in a restroom at one of these events, and I promise you that you will find something sordid, and someone in pointy ears will be in the middle of it doing something for which governors pay 4300 bucks, and college students do for a box of wine. I remember a ladies’ room at a fan faire in which the stall door swung open, and out slunk a dude in a kilt, followed a moment later by an equally chagrined female in caster robes… followed by a satisfied-looking female in leather armor and pointy ears. Ten years earlier I’d seen a similar scene involving a Klingon, a human Star Fleet officer, and a Vulcan.
As a side note, the people who buy cheap elf ears don’t seem to put out as often, so don’t just proposition random people with the ears.
As another side note, I think that if the males outnumber the females in a Comicon three way, they should use the handicapped stall in the men’s room. I suppose that’s a different rant, though.
Hell, I could do better typing one handed than this stupidity. Hey, that’s an idea for a blog post! (Please note - I think… okay, I hope… the writer was trying to be funny. The intro to the piece gave the impression that he was trying to offer serious advice, and certainly that’s the way it was taken by a few people who should have known better.)
1. Don’t be a condescending hose beast. All hobbies are, at their most reductive level, an idiotic waste of time. Very few people have a hobby that will make money, cure cancer, house orphan tree rats, or anything besides pass the time in a pleasant manner for the hobbyist. Before you talk about “gaaaming” in a tone normally reserved for “licking tooooilets,” ask yourself if your hobby is feeding starving children.
2. Pick your battles, and be specific. Your problem isn’t really with gaming, or the game. Maybe you’re pissed at how much time each session takes. Maybe you walked into the room naked and slathered with maple syrup and your mate didn’t notice. Perhaps you want your own four hour block of time to waste as you see fit. Could be your partner thinks “child care” can be done while logged into the game and you disagree. That’s all fine. Articulate your real problem instead of launching a wide ranging diatribe.
3. Ask questions. The games that have the highest spouse aggro usually can’t be quit on a moment’s notice, no matter what brand of maple syrup you used. Before you try dressing up in condiments, ask your mate to explain a few rudiments of the game. How horrible would it be to care about the hobbies of someone you supposedly love? At least learn enough to appreciate little bon mots such as “spouse aggro.”
4. Consider the idea that the problem is you. If you’re the kind of nagging, overbearing, condescending offspring of a whore and a syphilitic donkey that drives a person into a virtual world for entire weeks just to get away from you, screaming will not help and threats of divorce will be welcomed. The kind of trogdolyte that dives into a game rather than admitting you’re hateful is not likely to admit it without extensive therapy, sadly, so this diagnosis is up to you and your therapist.
5. Don’t cut the power. Or anything else that childish. When the power goes out, I grab the one old fashioned wall phone I still own (for just this situation) and I call the power company. If you’re going to try and be clever, make sure your clever plan isn’t foiled by a single phone call. Or plugging the router back in.
6. Do not bring food to the computer. I’m serious. This is my best piece of advice. You cannot have the “honey, I need you to stay off the computer on the weekends” conversation unless you have eye contact with the target. Your mate has to eat, sleep, and use the bathroom. Mealtime is your best opportunity. If you bring your little addict a plate full of food cut up into small pieces so he can eat one handed, your pleas to log off sound like so much “wah wah wah.”
7. Don’t make threats, and don’t whine. If your mate doesn’t stay off the computer on Sunday, or whatever it is you two agreed to do over dinner, what will you do? Decide. And do it.
8. Do not dress up as an elf. Ever. This is just a personal bias of mine. Okay, everyone who has hung out with me in person knows this story, but for the rest of you: Years ago I developed the Pointy Eared Whore Theory. Over a lifetime attending cons and other events featuring people dressing up as characters from fantasy and science fiction, I noticed a disturbing trend. The ones with really good, high quality pointed ear prothestics (elves, Vulcans, doesn’t matter) are total whores. Seriously. Go into the handicapped stall in a restroom at one of these events, and I promise you that you will find something sordid, and someone in pointy ears will be in the middle of it doing something for which governors pay 4300 bucks, and college students do for a box of wine. I remember a ladies’ room at a fan faire in which the stall door swung open, and out slunk a dude in a kilt, followed a moment later by an equally chagrined female in caster robes… followed by a satisfied-looking female in leather armor and pointy ears. Ten years earlier I’d seen a similar scene involving a Klingon, a human Star Fleet officer, and a Vulcan.
As a side note, the people who buy cheap elf ears don’t seem to put out as often, so don’t just proposition random people with the ears.
As another side note, I think that if the males outnumber the females in a Comicon three way, they should use the handicapped stall in the men’s room. I suppose that’s a different rant, though.